Month: June 2016

Captain Britian; Starring Tea, Crumpets

Ben DeSanti

There has being (annoyed pause), a lot (even more annoyed sigh), of buzz concerning the creation of a Captain Britian show, with most leaning towards it being in “Phase 2” of the Netflix shows. You can tell I am agitated by this, very much so. Because of this, I have added one person, Ciara McAvoy, the asshat artsy-shart that “unintentionally” leaked that Marvel hired her to make a promo poster for the character’s supposed television adaptation, to my personal shit-list. Yes, I have one of those, in paper and digital form on Google Drive. Anyways, all that people in my personal circles have wanted to talk about was that stupid ass tweet and who I wanted to play a guy draped in a flag that wasn’t even my own! “Do you like Matt Smith?” Hell no! “What about Damian Lewis?” He was dead to me when he was dead on Homeland! How about fuck you, and you, and you, and you, and you, all of you, damn it! I love the character of Captain Britain and the Netflix shows, but are you shitting me, people?!?! I asked myself, “Am I this annoying about this shit?” The resounding answer I gave myself is, “Hell no! These nerds need to keep it in their pants!” I swear to whatever god that damned McAvoy woman worships, if she was lying for publicity, I will personally destroy her by deconstruction of her pyramid of needs. Just kidding, and if you get that, you might have taken a Psychology class in college. I do not have the only intent of blasting some random poster artist, I wanted to lay out who I think should play Captain Britian and why in a couple sentences.

I have six candidates for the job of Brian Braddock in the lead role of the show. These actors, in all roles, are all what I call “bubble actors”, which are actors that have been the top billed in a major, live-action television show that is considered a solid “C” (7.5) on IMDb, or a film actor who has yet to be top billed in a major, live-action film that is considered a “C” (7.5) on IMDb. If an actor is both of these, that is the pinnacle of a bubble actor. Anyways, let’s get to it.

  • Charlie Hunnam (Age 36)
  • Dan Stevens (Age 33)
  • Kevin McKidd (Age 42)
  • Ryan Kwanten (Age 39)
  • Alex Pettyfer (Age 26)
  • Jason O’Mara (Age 43)

Hunnam played the lead role of Jax on Sons Of Anarchy, so he qualifies. Dan Stevens is an alum of Downton Abbey, and he signed on to play the eponymous character of David Haller (Professor X’s son) in the upcoming FX show Legion, so he’s highly unlikely to be in another Marvel show, even if it is separate universes. Kevin McKidd, of Trainspotting fame, has somewhat fallen out of the public eye, but not out of the acting game. Recognition from Trainspotting, which I hear is a decently big pop-culture thing in the United Kingdom, would definitely resonated with British viewers. Ryan Kwanten has been in a lot of stuff such as True Blood, Spellbinder, Griff The Invisible, and Truth In Journalism, a short film based off the exploits or Eddie Brock, or Venom of Marvel Comics Universe fame. He is said to be a big fan of Marvel, so maybe that gives him an edge in Marvel TV’s eyes, or maybe Marvel TV has the edge. Actors that are also fans of certain movies and larger franchises are known to be more willing and persistent to get the role sometimes, ala Common campaigning for the role of John Stewart for years. Sometimes, they’re even okay with taking a pay cut to get said role, but who knows. Alex Pettyfer is much more of a movie actor, but not any good ones. He’s a lot younger than most of these guys at 26, seven years younger than the next youngest on the list, Dan Stevens, who is 33. Jason O’Mara, the oldest on this list at 43. In all honesty, he’s least likely to do this show, considering his age, and because he voices Batman/ Bruce Wayne in some of the DC animated films Justice League: War, Son of Batman, Justice League: Throne Of Atlantis, Batman vs. Robin, Batman: Bad Blood, and Justice League vs. Teen Titans, and as we all know, DC and Marvel DO NOT get along.

Anyways, thanks for reading. Maybe if or when the show is ever officially announced, I’ll do a full on outline of a few 13-episode seasons like I plan on doing with the recently-announced Punisher show. Okay, bye, everyone. Remember to have a nerdy day.

SPIDER-FINITY!!!

Ben DeSanti

I was reading about CBMs that never got off the ground, and there was one project that was constant: SPIDER-MAN 4 (imagine the Wizard of Oz saying that, because it’s in caps, bold and italics). So, in short, I want to give a short description of why numero quatro failed with it’s plot and whatever. So, in the words of me “SPIDER-FINITY!”

SPIDER-MAN 4: Release Date; 6/ 29/ 2012

Spider-Man 4 was delayed, and then cancelled, because Sam Raimi felt that the studio wasn’t giving him enough time to be creative and other stuff my middle school art teacher said while crying about her cats and ex-husband. Ah, middle school, the only time anyone other than the band nerds actually preferred band as an elective. Instead of giving 4 a May Fifth release in 2011, let’s hand Raimi just under fourteen more months to figure some things out, with a date of June 29, 2012. Also, the cast that was destined to be in SM4;

I made two changes. I want Hathaway to play Black Cat, not Vultress, for future films. Hathway does this instead of The Dark Knight Rises, which paths the way for Eva Green to submit a fantastic perfomance, which ends up changing the chemistry of the film in a Butterfly Effect type of way, which ends up in better reviews and a slightly larger box office draw, and ends up being the first three films of the DCEU, succeeded by a Joe Manganiello as Superman and Jude Law as General Zod- led Man Of Steel, with Olivia Wilde as Lois Lane, leading to a BvS with Mark Strong as Lex Luthor. I recasted the role of Connors from Dylan Baker to Morgan. I also do not have Connors turning into The Lizard. I would like Connors to become much more of a mentor, and have him find out about Peter’s identity near the end of the film, where he ends up not believing Peter worthy, and in an end credits scene shows Connors injecting the Lizard stuff into his blood. I have James McAvoy in a cameo as Doc Strange, but simply as a neurologist speaking on the news, speaking about findings in the ‘Venom’ symbiote. Tom Hardy ends up as Professor X in First Class and the X-Men movies after that, and in another kind of Butterfly Effect thing, Idris Elba becomes a little more of a grounded Apocalypse, and Jason Clarke stars as Max in Mad Max: Fury Road, which because of further reshoots, Mad Max is delayed until January 5th, 2018. And there you go, Raimi’s happy, I’m happy. George Miller’s not so happy.

Thanks for reading! Join next time for Spider-Man 5! Have a nerdy day!

BvS Review: Dawn Of SnyderFest

Ben DeSanti

(WARNING: There are major spoilers for Batman v. Superman, as well as possible spoilers for Justice League Parts 1 and 2, Wonder Woman, Suicide Squad, Cyborg, The Flash, Shazam, Green Lantern Corps, the upcoming Batman solo film, and Aquaman.)

On August 22nd, 2013, our lives changed, for the worst, because that’s when the Dawn Of Batfleck dawned. For a little over two and a half years, people shat all up and down the casting, Snyder’s idea for casting, and Snyder’s various mental illnesses. I wasn’t really excepting a lot from this movie, but I was really proud of Batfleck and his derpy-ass Bat cowl. I know it’s a stereotype to say all superheroes look like they wear pajamas, but honest to God, Jesus, and the Holy Ghost, Affleck’s Batman was wearing gray footies with an obese bat duct taped to the front, and his older sister’s corduroys Sharpie’d black for a cape. Kevin Hart at the MTV Awards was scarier than Affleck in that costume. But so many things detracted from it, like the shit-inducing fear he spoon-fed to the criminal in his first scene as Batman. His first scene was straight out of a damn Patrick Wilson film. Coincidentally, Patrick Wilson cameo as the voice of the president in BvS. In professional terms, Ben Affleck was a choice that sounded terrible on paper that ended up working out well, but not too well. He was a decently interesting character and while he didn’t 100% stack up to Bale and Keaton, he did submit a decent performance, and did do the Batman character fairly well. Affleck’s Bruce Wayne was the best every to grace the screen. To put it in perspective, if everything  with heroes and villains was cut, more dramatic footage was shot, and it was a 120-minute drama about a sad 40-ish billionaire, it could have been a really good movie. Keaton really doesn’t seem like a playboy billionaire, and Bale sort of tried too hard and came off mentally unstable. Ben Affleck is probably the third best on-screen Batman, but the best rendition of Bruce Wayne. Superman was increasingly wooden from Man Of Steel, and only had 42 lines in a movie where he co-stars. I think Henry Cavill had potential in Man Of Steel, but Zack Snyder just shit all over it with the continous Jesus imagery. We get it, he’s DC Jesus, stop shoving it down our fucking throats. I’m a Christian, I go to church, but damn, Captain Neckbeard, hold off on the holy shit for a couple minutes of the movie. I honestly think that Snyder believes he’s going to hell if there isn’t a cross or some form of Jesus imagery in his DC films. like that crazy Lutheran lady in Edward Scissorhands. He, fotunately has a lot of potential left, considering Geoff Johns and Jon Berg has essentially taken over DC Films. I don’t know what it was about Superman and Clark funeral scene, but it just kinda hit me hard, man. I don’t even like Cavill’s Superman! I don’t get it. And there was absolutely no need for

Kevin Spacey’s Luthor was better than Eisenberg’s, and that’s not exactly a bad thing. People have just, ripped, into the poor guy, not realizing that he’s not your daddy’s Lex Luthor before they saw it, and he’s not supposed to be. He’s Lex Junior and extra, super-duper, fat Jared Fogle-sized emphasis on the ‘Junior’. I’m pretty sure that he’s simply setting up the villain of not Man of Steel 2, but the actual Justice League 2, Lex Luthor Senior. If I was to guess, Daddy Dearest isn’t dead, and alive and well, running Geschäft-Krieg, one of the companies name dropped in the Lex Luthor WIRED interview (it’s alright, I recommend it) back in Europe. The two most likely actors to play Senior is Christoph Waltz, considering his roles in Inglorious Basterds, SPECTRE, and Django: Unchained as the crazy German guy, and the only being Joaquin Phoenix, who was actually considered for the role of Lex in this film. Phoenix would bring a certain aloof sociopathic, aloof contrast to the manic, energtic, psychotic power Eisenberg brought to the table. If Phoenix adopted a German accent, it would be even better. Sidenote, Mackenzie Gray, who played Alistair Krieg in Smallville, later played LX 3, a Lex clone. Maybe they’re referencing that, and Senior is Krieg, but it’s more likely that he’s the mysterious Geschäft. Another sidenote, Alistair Krieg played a key role in turning Victor Stone into Cyborg, so maybe that comes into play as well. Doomsday was alright. Also, if I was doing the movie, I would’ve had the last scene with Luthor as the after-credits scene. Not great, not terrible. I did like how they grew the spines on him as he was hurt, which is accurate to the comics. No real complaints about Doomsday. He just wasn’t in the film long enough.

I ultimately have no real quarrels with the story. There are a couple holes, most famously, or rather infamously, Martha. The most climatic, most anticipated, most broadcast moment in the cinematic world for a solid decade to come, was ended with an incredibly common names for comic book moms. Seriously? The Town‘s Ben Affleck would have kept crushing Superman skull into a fine Kryptonian powder if he said he had a way to take back Daredevil and Gigli. George Clooney, in this moment, was harder than Batfleck. He would’ve bitch-slapped him with his Bat nipples. Again, all Bat scenes outside of this were amazing, including when he put his arms up trying to defend himself from a foul ball at a Red Sox game, because Dances With Wolves and Darth Vader ducked down and Jason Bourne used him as a meat shield, or something, and said “Oh, shit.” You guys know what I’m talking about. The warehouse scene was probably the second best scene in the film, aside from the funeral scene. That thug that Batman flung into a crate onto his neck, though, that guy’s deader than Superman. The chemistry between Alfred and Batman, the teamwork, shades of family ties, and just a tinge of animosity towards each. I do want to say one thing about this first scene. Young Bruce Wayne flied up in a Bat-tornado, and I almost pissed myself laughing, both times I saw the movie, before I was blinded, again both times, by the all-white title card that belongs at the beginning of Arrow.

Overall, I loved the movie. It doesn’t seem like it but I make fun of stuff I love. It’s a very enjoyable movie, but people keep shitting on up, down, and all around it. I can honestly say it is in my top 10 favorite films ever (though not in the top 10 best). I really liked it, it got a bad rap, and after all is said and done, I give Batman V. Superman: Dawn Of Justice 4.25 out of 5 stars.

Thanks for reading. I’m about to debut a couple big projects and series soon, so stay tuned guys. Look for my reviews for Captain America: Civil War, Revenant, Deadpool, X-Men: Apocalypse and more coming soon. And remember, have a nerdy day.